if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
