I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
