fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
