Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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