I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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