Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
