I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
