If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
