Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
