sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
