The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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