my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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