I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
