There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
