I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
