she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't turn off my feet"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Oh god it's open bar.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
