Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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