apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
