Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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