My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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