I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
