Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
