i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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