I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
