I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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