it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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