If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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