I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
so much tequila, so little girl.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
