Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
