Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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