Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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