Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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