I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dignity is for republicans.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
