If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
