I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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