I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
