did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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