On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
