I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
