I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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