I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As shirtless as possible
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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