this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
