I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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