Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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