the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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