I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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