what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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