I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
