why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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