i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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